John C. Waters

Waffle Fries Are the Worst Fry

#fries#rankings

Waffle fries are the worst fry. They were Chick-fil-A’s most-ordered menu item in all six regions of the country in 2021, which means a lot of people are ordering a bad fry on purpose.

I ranked thirteen shapes and waffle is thirteenth, behind sweet potato, behind shoestring, and behind a potato with a face on it. Crinkle is twelfth, and it’s the only shape bad enough to keep waffle company. Four chains on my list sell one or the other (Shake Shack, Culver’s, Nathan’s Famous, and Chick-fil-A) and none of them gets higher than eighth, because a kitchen can’t cook its way out of a bad shape.

The shapes

  1. 1Tap to reveal
    A curly fry coiled like a spring 1Curly
  2. 2 Tap to reveal
    2 Straight-cut fries standing in a paper cup with a red stripe Regular
  3. 3 Tap to reveal
    3 Three tater tots stacked in a small pyramid Tater tots (or gems)
  4. 4 An oval hash brown patty covered in shredded potato Hash brown patty
  5. 5 A round potato smiley face with two eye holes and a grin Smiley faces
  6. 6 Two breaded potato wedges speckled with seasoning Jojos
  7. 7 Two thick steak fries crossed in an X Steak
  8. 8 A loose pile of short, thin matchstick fries Matchstick
  9. 9 A plain potato wedge with the skin left on its curved side Potato wedge
  10. 10 A pile of orange sweet potato fries with salt on them Sweet potato
  11. 11 A tangled nest of long, thin shoestring fries Shoestring
  12. 12 Three crinkle-cut fries with ridged edges Crinkle
  13. 13 A round waffle fry with a lattice of square holes Waffle

Curly is the best fry and regular is second. Arby’s is the only chain here that sells a curly, and it’s fifth, because the best curly fry I’ve ever had and the one I can get on a Tuesday are two different fries.

Four of my top six aren’t what a chain on my list hands you when you ask for fries: tots, hash brown patties, smiley faces, and jojos. Yes, the smiley face is fifth. It beat eight other shapes and I’d do it again.

Jojos are sixth and potato wedges are ninth, and they’re the same cut of potato. The difference, as Paul Nicewonger told Willamette Week: “A true jojo is a potato wedge that’s been breaded, pressure fried and spiced.” Breading and a pressure fryer are worth three places, so a plain wedge has no excuse.

The chains

  1. 1 Burger KingRegular
  2. 2 Taco BellRegular, seasoned
  3. 3 Wendy’sRegular
  4. 4 Dairy QueenRegular
  5. 5 Arby’sCurly
  6. 6 McDonald’sRegular
  7. 7 Red RobinSteak
  8. 8 Shake ShackCrinkle
  9. 9 PopeyesRegular
  10. 10 Culver’sCrinkle
  11. 11 Nathan’s FamousCrinkle
  12. 12 Chick-fil-AWaffle
  13. 13 Five GuysRegular, hand-cut

Five Guys fries are awful

Five Guys fries are awful, no matter how many they try to give you in the bag. Five Guys says “an extra scoop comes standard,” and a bigger pile of a bad fry is not a deal. They’re thirteenth of thirteen chains.

The whole pitch is that the potatoes are “never frozen and never pre-cut.” Five Guys admits that’s “a more difficult process and costs a bit more, but it’s worth it.” It isn’t. Cutting fries fresh means literally nothing and results in a worse fry.

Shake Shack already ran this experiment so nobody else had to. It swapped its frozen crinkle for a fresh hand-cut fry in 2013 and brought the crinkle back a year later because it couldn’t make the fresh one consistent. Its culinary director, Mark Rosati, told Food Republic the fresh-cuts were “so temperamental,” and that “right out of the fryer, they were amazing.” A fry that’s only good right out of the fryer is a bad fry. Shake Shack now sits five places above Five Guys, selling a shape I can’t stand, frozen.

Burger King is first on the same list with the same straight cut of the same vegetable, and nobody there is bragging about a knife.

If your list is different, and it is, you can move mine around and send me yours. Put waffle wherever you want. It’s still the worst fry.